Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Levity for the year's end

I stepped on Ozark soil once in the past 10 days and it was in Arkansas at a gas station so it doesn't count. I know that post oak savanna country in the Western Ozarks received 4 inches of snow recently (allowing for helicopter deer counts if we can find a helicopter and a pilot on the same day). I've heard that some of the rivers in the southern part of the Ozarks were really high last week after the walloping rain and wind event (the same event that knocked down the 450-ish year old state co-champion bur oak I featured several times here when I lived in the Southeast Missouri Lowlands--sad, sad day). Otherwise, I've been woefully out of touch with Missouri and engaged with Louisiana at the height of satsuma season. On average, I've eaten 10 satsumas every day trying to conserve them for the long winter ahead in Missouri.

Having only moments ago opened Christmas presents sent forth from Oregon, I decided to share a gift we received. I won't post pictures of the awesome hot pink knee socks with polka dots that I intend to wear to work with a knee length black skirt/black sweater and gaudy orange vintage brooch from Salvation Army. Nor will I post the classy Eileen West nightgowns (because I suspect Carolyn couldn't decide on one so she bought both as a compromise), but from a charming hand-bound booklet covered in a William Morris inspired print of Indian elephants marching around a navy blue field, I'll post jokes. The inscription to the booklet reads:

We could not locate the old Elephant Jokes [Elephants, Grapes and Pickles, c. 1960s sometime] book around the house which we wanted to send to you as a stocking stuffer. At a used book website, a copy was priced at $44. So, in place of that, we in great cheapness compiled our own selection of these silly jokes. -Christmas 2009

Of the 65 jokes they carefully typed in for us, I couldn't choose favorites because they're all so silly and absurd. Everyone likes jokes, right? And no one wants to read about the biodiversity crisis when Christmas trees are still gleaming bright with C7 bulbs and handmade ornaments from 1978.

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out burning ducks.

Q: Why do giraffes have long necks?
A: For spitting on burning elephants.

Q: How do you keep an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toes yellow?
A: So they can hide upside down in the custard.

Q: What is black, yellow, and dangerous?
A: Sharks in custard. That's why the elephants paint their feet yellow.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: There's no such thing as a yellow elephant.

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, then shoot with the blue elephant gun.

Q: What is gray, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse going on a vacation.

Q: How many elephants will fit in a VW Beetle?
A: Four: two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How many giraffes will fit in a VW Beetle?
A: None. It's full of elephants.

Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
A: Footprints in the Jell-O.

Q: How can you tell if there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.

Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can't close the door.

Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
A: There's an empty VW Beetle outside.

Q: How do you get an elephant into the refrigerator?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The refrigerator isn't large enough to hold them all.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, blue, green, orange, yellow, and brown?
A: So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.

Q: How did the pygmy break his back?
A: He tried to carry a bag of M&Ms home from the store.

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between one and two in the afternoon?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.


J said...

Good stuff, though that custard joke may have jumped the shark tank.

Allison Vaughn said...

Sort of like when the penguin got out and was found the next morning watching the sharks and sea turtles in oblivion in the jellyfish gallery?